The Tragedy of a Mary Sue
by Red Furry Demon
Summary: The whole tale of My Immortal, told in a more normal way. Ebony runs Goffik, mutilates English and tries to destroy the Wizarding World.
1. Hogsmeade, headache, hell

**Summary: **The whole tale of _My Immortal_, told in a more normal way. Ebony runs Goffik, mutilates English and tries to destroy the Wizarding World.

**S****tatus:** finished (23 pages in Word), contains seven chapters.

**Disclaimer:** All sane recognizable characters from the Potterverse belong to JKR. Ebony, Britney and Goffik versions of Draco and Trevolry belong to Tara Gilesbie/Gilespie/Whatever. The Writher and the Betcha Rider belong to themselves. You may also find some mentions of other works, in particular _The Sparkly Monster Saga_ by Stephanie Meyer.

**Timeline: **What-would-be Harry's seventh year, assuming he went to school instead of Horcrux Hunting... Oh c'mon, it's the universe of _My Immortal_ we're talking about...

**Main characters:** Draco Malfoy, not-my-OC (Ebony)

**G****enre:** Humor/Parody

**Warnings:** Violence. Some swearing. Rape on Canon (not literally...). Mary Sue. Some of Tara's English.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

**_Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing._**

* * *

_**Part I: Hogsmeade, headache, hell **_

She was walking alone, enjoying the sound of hastily dripping water. Snow covering the terrain in front of the castle started to melt, so the whole place was horribly wet and muddy.

But Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Tara RavenWay was too depressed to care about such irrelevant things.

She noticed a group of Preps in the Entrance Hall, and she did the first thing a Goff would do in such situation: gave them a finger.

Then, as she heard footsteps, she turned back. Unfortunately, she was standing face to face with professor McGonagall, who taught Transfiguration.

"RavenWay, what was THAT supposed to mean? Ten points from Slytherin owing to your astonishing lack of manners" she said in cold voice, which in some way resembled hiss of a cat. "And a detention, thanks to your non-canon outfit."

Oh yes, a black corset and a black leather miniskirt is not something Hogwarts students wear during a normal day. But Ebony liked to dress Goffikly. And an angry teacher wasn't something she saw rarely nor would be scared of (for most of the time at least).

* * *

The next day was equally depressing... Ebony woke up in the dormitory and slowly got up from her bed (despite her struggles to sleep in a coffin), only to see her best friend, Willow, putting on tons of make-up.

"Better do it after breakfast, if Sprout sees it, she will run mad again" Ebony warned her.

"Right, I can finish during the History of Magic" replied Willow, trying to find her schoolbooks. "By the way, were you talking to Draco yesterday?"

"Yeah... So?" Ebony blushed suddenly.

"Don't lie to me, Ebby!" Willow started to giggle. "I know how much you like him!"

Ebony had to resist a sudden urge to hex her.

However, in the next second an owl flew through the window and dropped a piece of parchment into Ebony's hands. She gasped (Goffikly) as she read the note.

The Goffik handwriting carried an extremely Goffik message.

_Dear Ebony, I've heard The Weird Sisters are having a concert in Hogsmeade on Friday. Want to go with me?_

_D.M._

(Hint: Draco went Goffik.)

* * *

Sneaking out of the castle by night was not a very safe thing – but where's no risk, there's no fun, right? Just in case of something unpredicted, Ebony drank some Invincibility Coke. Good idea. At home, Ebony was used to travel in a flying car, but as Draco hated all Muggle technology, she saw him waiting outside with a Goffikly-black broomstick, just as he lifted the Disillusionment Charm from himself.

Right after the flight, they made use of drugs, cigarettes and a bottle of Polish vodka.

That night surely was going to be fun.

She was half-conscious after the concert (take more drugs, girl!). He just grinned. As she saw the black wall of trees in front of them, she understood where they were heading to.

The Forbidden Forest.

How romantic, were they going to feed the Acromantulas together?

* * *

Back on the ground...

"Draco!" she shouted. "The hell are you doing...!?"

"Better don't shout. There may be Whorewolves around" he said. Ebony's eyes grew wide. In case you haven't read _Twishit_, a Vampire and a Whorewolf are mortal enemies.

They started to kiss, but it didn't ended at that point. He put his thingy into her you-know-what, and they did it for the first time. I would love to know what was what exactly did 'it' refer to, though. And then, thunderous voice came from between the trees.

"WHAT THE... my children, what are you doing here so late at night?"

In all his glory, with a pointy hat, half-moon glasses and wand out, Albus Dumbledore walked out of the shadow.

Not only had he very severe migraine, he also had two reckless students to care about now!

* * *

The silence in Headmaster's study was scary... On one side, two terrified Slytherins; on the other side of the desk – Dumbledore, professor Snape and professor McGonagall (although she didn't have anything to that, she should know about such a thing, since she was the Deputy Headmistress). Dumbledore already stopped speaking and now was mainly focused on his terrible headache.

"But why? Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked professor McGonagall. "In the middle of the night... In the Forest... You could've been _eaten_, you fools!"

Ebony didn't dare to speak. Let Malfoy handle it.

"I DON'T CARE, BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Snape dismissed them: "Fine. Return to your dormitories quietly".

What? They were HIS Slytherins and he COULD show favoritism towards them... Couldn't he? At least in the first chapter?

However, Minerva caused both students to stop mid-way, roaring:

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SEVERUS LET YOU OFF! SUCH BEHAVIOUR DESERVES A MONTH OF DETENTION!"

The old Preppy bitch WILL PAY for that.

* * *

**AN: **

**Chapter 1/7 upload date: 25 III 2014**

**Next chapter: 31 III 2014**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	2. Sparkly Gryffindors, noseless Preps

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part II: Sparkly Gr__yf__findors, noseless Preps _ **

The following day, Ebony was eating breakfast in the Great Hall, dressed in black (forget school rules) Goffik miniskirt and a matching Goffik top. Suddenly, a boy from Gryffindor bumped into our dear Lady I'm Not Mary Sue, spilling milk all over her. Actually... What was a Lion doing near the table of Snakes?

"What... I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he exclaimed, as picking up a duel in front of the teachers was the last thing he wanted.

"It's okay" she said in calm voice, doing a simple cleaning charm over her clothes.

A nice Slytherin...? Was that a dream or something?

(Hint: No, it was just _My Immortal_.)

"My name's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Tara RavenWay. What's yours?" she asked, because she had never heard of the Boy Who Lived And Found The Philosopher's Stone And Killed The Basilisk And Drove Off A Hundred Of Dementors And Won The Triwizard Tournament And Dueled The Dark Lord And Flew To The Department Of Mysteries And Went To Find A Horcrux And Kissed Ginny Weasley And Whatever Else He Did. "Oh wait, aren't you that Potter git Draco is complaining so much about?"

She didn't wait for the answer, actually. Having performed a quick _Cullenus __sparclus_, she pointed at him her finger with the nail as black as the Goffikest nail polish ever and Goffikly shrieked.

"SNAKES, LOOK! POTTER IS A VAMPIRE!"

The students looked at her with mild interest.

"And I want to be a Vampire too! YEAH!" she roared. (Like a lion. Like a _Gryffindor_ lion.)

Then, Dumbledore sent her a glare full of sympathy.

Dark misery was in his old depressed eyes, hidden behind the half-moon glasses.

* * *

_...__meanwhile..._

"TIN god vons!" shouted the Writher. "Gimme u fokin Prepz TIN god vons!"

To her indescribable shock, in a blinding flash of light, the Tin God appeared.

"Straight from Nagarjunsagar. I've come back _straight from Nagarjunsagar_ and YOU ARE STILL HERE?"

* * *

_...__back to Hogwarts..._

_"Comment allez-vous?"_

_"Bien, merci."_

For a moment, Draco and Ebony continued to French passively.

He put his boy's thingy in hers...

Wait, does Ebony have any boy's thingies?

Nevermind, they HAD SEX and it was so important that it had to be written in CAPITAL LETTERS. When Miss RavenWay finally got the organism, or whatever, she started screaming her beloved's name and scrutinizing his body, inch after inch, in the search of Goffik tattoos.

Having found the one with Goffikly written the word _Vampire_, she suddenly became so angry...

"You bastard!" she shouted, because she knew too much. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

...Artificial Inflammable Dildos?

Does it have anything to do with Draco's supposed Slash relationship with Edward?

* * *

Professor McGonagall was used to the sight of first years running in the corridors. However, seeing two seventh year Slytherins, one of which was naked and perfectly exposing his erect penis, and the other was constantly shouting Goffik insults, was _not_ such a common occurrence. As she noticed where they were racing to, she just sighed.

"HARRY POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Ebony yelled, rushing into the Potions classroom somewhere in the dungeons.

"MALFOY AND RAVENWAY!" roared Snape, who was half-way to realizing his latest mistake. "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DESIRE, GO AND GET DRESSED PROPERLY, YOU RIDICULOUS DIMWITS!"

The students stared at the intruders. Hermione Granger, who was still human, still brown-haired, still in Gryffindor and still a muggleborn, looked at Ebony without _any_ understanding.

"I pity you, RavenWay," she said.

Snape took out his wand and pointed it at Ebony.

"Get out. _Now._"

Britney the Prep started to cry, because she was a very Preppy person.

* * *

"THAT BASTARD! HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON ME! AND NOW POTTER DATES THAT STUPID BRITNEY PREP AND DRACO IS MAKING OUT WITH CULLEN!" she shouted, before bursting into tears.

The Forbidden Forest was very astonished by the fact Ebony was the first girl to lost her virility there. It remained silent, though; perhaps it was afraid it would become less sentient after an encounter with her.

The only creature that was not scared took several steps towards her, so she could notice his presence. It was that well-known guy with red eyes, no nose and everything. He had no nose and looked just like Voldemort.

It was... VOLDEMORT!

And the Epic Duel (The Dark Lord vs a scared seventh year Slytherin Goff) began!

Or not. Ebony shrieked and turned to flee, when suddenly her five-inches-long heel snapped and she landed in the mud.

"Oh no, my skirt is all dirty!" she complained loudly. "Don't you happen to have something for me to change?"

"Your stupidity amuses me," Voldemort said with a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face as he handed her a gun. "I want you to steal the Book from Dumbledore's private library. Do not get caught and do not leave any evidence. Have I made myself clear? In case you fail me, your beloved will face the most unpleasant death you can imagine."

"All because of a book?" no one knows why, Ebony had a strange aversion for books.

"_The_ Book. The Book of Canon," he clarified.

Oh, right. THIS one.

* * *

**AN: **

**Chapter 2/7 upload date: 31 III 2014**

**Next chapter: 5 IV 2014**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	3. Battle in the bathroom

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part III: Battle in the bathroom _ **

"Are you okay, my love?" she asked Draco.

"No," he replied. "I'm sad."

"I'm sorry, I thought you cheated on me." Ebony said, expelling her entrails.

Making out, they went to the castle.

This paragraph choked on its own sense. Or, therefore, lack of it.

* * *

{dream}

She was still scared after having an encounter with Voldemort and sex with Draco, but she desperately tried to stay calm and carry on her performance. The members of her band, the so-called Bloody Goffik Rose 666, would definitely stop making... whatever they were making... as fast as she stopped singing and murdering the strings of her guitar.

Rubeus Hagrid, a filthy half-breed, was playing the drums.

Ronald Weasley, a blood traitor, was having fun with his bass guitar.

Hermione Granger, a Mudblood, was trying to sing the song Goffikly.

And then... (tension)

… (more tension)

_Crack._

Sexily, passionately, Goffikly and evilly, Ebony looked down.

_Her nail_ was _broken._

_HER NAIL was BROKEN._

_**HER NAIL** WAS **BROKEN.**_

{/dream}

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111oneoneone" she screamed, forgot she doesn't sleep in a coffin, and fell off her bed.

Ebony opened her diary and wrote a sentence, which, translated into any human language, read as following:

_Today I put on a black leather shirt showing off my boobs and a tiny, matching miniskirt with the words Simple Plan on the butt._

"Hah!" she exclaimed. "You may think I'm a slut but I'm really not!"

Pansy Parkinson, who, contrary to popular belief, did exist, took _The Urban Dictionary_ from a bookshelf.

_**Slut** - (…) One who engages in sexual activity with a large number of persons, occasionally simultaneously. Also refers to one who engages in sexual activity outside of a long-term relationship within the duration of said relationship. (…) In some cases, used to refer to a woman who is wearing "skimpy" or tasteless clothing._

* * *

{tired emo mode}

She was sitting in an empty classroom, surrounded by dead rabbits sucked dry.

"Whyyyyy! I have to find a stupid book and if I don't, my sexy Draco will be killed! NOO!"

{/tired emo mode}

Suddenly, she heard a strange sound from behind her.

_Stomp - stomp!_

Dumbledore walked in angrily. Tears of wisdom were streaming down his face.

"What have you done, my dear," he said. "Draco has been found dead in the dormitory. His brain exploded after realizing the range of damage you did to the Canon."

"Fuck you, you fucking old Preppy motherfucker!" shouted Ebony, running out of the classroom.

Dumbledore was chasing her until he spotted professor McGonagall eyeing him suspiciously. She wasn't unsure of his intentions - everyone knew he preferred men. More likely, she was afraid about his mental health.

* * *

**W****ornin: dis chapta delz wit rly sris issus nd xtrmly hororbile gramar.**

Ebony slit her wrists, all of sudden thirsty of human blood.

They got all over her clothes, which sounded really creepy. She was taking a bath when she tried stabbing herself with a steak. Despite her suicidal attempts, it turned out to be quite impossible; perhaps she should try with a stake instead.

She put on a Goffik dress, Goffik high heels with some pink metal (cobalt cations, perhaps?), twelve skull earrings and a Goffik towel. I will not even ask why the hell would she need that last one.

And... (tension) she looked out of the window!

…

…

What?

* * *

Snape and Lupin were sitting on their broomsticks, hovering in the air right in front of Slytherin seventh year girls' bathroom. They were still inside the castle; Snake dormitories were located in the dungeons, remember?

Potions Master looked at the Werewolf (do NOT confuse with a Whorewolf), who was chewing on an apple.

"Stop masticating and take photos," growled Severus, who was himself recording the actions of the Mary Sue with a cideo camera, which was a camera automatically saving the data on a CD. "Dumbledore wants as much discreditable materials as we can gather."

"Mind your task, I'm hungry."

Ebony turned around and noticed them. Pity that this time they weren't using an Invisibility Cloak. Or Coke. Or anything.

* * *

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS!" she screamed, having a sudden Caps Lock attack. "STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!"

It made them question Ebony's age.

It also made them question the logic of this story.

It even made them question the existence of the Canon.

* * *

What's more, the noise was too loud to go unnoticed and as a result, Harry rushed into the bathroom with his wand out (the one he used to cast spells). By now, let's assume he was spying on Draco Malfoy and that was how he got there.

Ebony took the gun Voldemort has given her and shot a gazillion bullets at Snape and Lupin.

_B__ang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang_

Time has come for the best spell ever.

"_A__vada__ kedav__ra!_" shouted Harry. Unfortunately, Ebony dodged the curse.

"NOOO!" cried Dumbledore, appearing out of nowhere.

Reader, I'll let you interpret his cry in any way you want.

* * *

**AN: **

The 'MoR emphasis' comes from - well, HP MoR.

The 'slut' definition comes from... guess.

The sound effects refer to _My Immortal, the Comic_ by ChazieBaka.

**Chapter 3/7 upload date: 5 IV 2014**

**Next chapter: 12 IV 2014**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	4. Wrath of the Dark Lord

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part IV: Wrath of the Dark Lord _ **

The Headmaster swiped the Elder Wand and suddenly a jet of light hit Snape.

"Sorry, Severus, I missed!" shouted Dumbledore.

Hagrid, who was passing nearby, started to run around madly with a broom in his hands.

"What are you doing, you're just a huge Hogwarts Gamekeeper," said Ebony.

"I may be a Hogwarts Gamekeeper," replied Hagrid. "But I'm also a character from Canon!"

Snape took out his wand and started healing the place where the Sectumsempra Curse hit his hand. Lupin rose the camera like a triumphing elephant.

"The lens was shot through, but the CD is still all right," he said. "Now we can blackmail her!"

Ebony felt like she was about to faint. Then, she heard a scream.

* * *

"AAAH! Not this bloody Horcrux link again!" Everyone who wasn't Goffik looked at Harry. "I've just had a vision of the Writher resurrecting Malfoy with a ritual of horrible fanfiction, and then Voldemort took him somewhere."

* * *

{aftermath}

That night Ebony was serving a detention with professor Snape, which meant she was supposed to clean the Potions classroom after first year Hufflepuffs had the class there.

Lupin took his apple to the Mental Ward of St. Mango's Hospital for Fruit and Vegetable Maladies and Injuries, because it had nightmares after seeing the scene in the bathroom.

Dumbledore was having a constipation with the cideo camera.

Canon was trying to burn itself with some help from Fawkes.

Everything was okay.

{/aftermath}

* * *

Ebony stared at the black flame. It was black.

"It's black," she said.

"Indeed it is," sighed professor Sinatra Trevolry, the Muggle Art teacher. "You must find yourself first, Ebony."

"I can't. I have to find Draco first."

...you know, the flame was black...

* * *

Goffik and sad, Ebony went to Transfiguration classes, where she spotted Harry.

"Potter!" she leaped at him, putting her hand in his trousers. "Let's be Goffik and have sex!"

"GO AWAY, YOU PERVERTED IDIOT!" shouted Harry.

"I luv you!"

_Crack!_

Ebony's head turned into a dictionary.

Professor McGonagall discretely put her wand in the pocket.

"Zabini, please take Miss RavenWay to the Hospital Wing."

* * *

**Wornin: sum of dis chapta cuntins extrlimy scray gramar nd speling.**

**It olso coteinz a quto frum _twighit_ by stefni mayre.**

**Viower excretion advisd.**

Ebony, fully human again, was standing in front of the hearth in the Slytherin Common Room.

"The Dark Lord's Lair!" she called, throwing in some Floo Powder.

* * *

She was walking through a labyrinth of dark corridors. If she had some intelligence, she would follow the screams; she didn't have it though, so she followed the scent of Goffikness.

Finally, she reached heavy metal door, which probably should be locked, but for some reason were not. The room behind it was some kind of a dungeon, lit by cold, pale candles; sort of what the ghosts fancy rather than alive people.

Ebony stepped inside.

_words, words so terrible no one shall ever speak them_

"NOOO! STOP IT!"

_the Malfoy scion, chained to the wall_

_**"...and so the lion fell in love with the lamb…' he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.  
'What a stupid lamb,' I sighed.  
'What a sick, masochistic lion."**_

_and a man in black robes standing over him, reading a book aloud_

"LEAVE HIM!" roared Ebony.

"I knew you would come." As the Death Eater aimed his wand at her, she noticed the metallic reflexes of light on his hand.

Wormtail.

"_Stupefy_."

* * *

"My Lord, I have the Mary Sue."

Voldemort smiled, but it was a smile devoid of joy.

"Let Malfoy go," he said. "While I must make some things clear with our guest."

As the door closed behind Wormy, the Dark Lord spoke the incantations of the most horrible curses the Wizarding World has ever heard about.

_"Grammaticus ____mutilatus!__Mariesuus insanus perfectus!"_

The effect was instantaneous.

Ebony's eyes shone with Cullenic gold, her teeth turned into fangs, and an unreadable sequence of words escaped her mouth.

"U fukin Prep wut hav u done 2 me!1111111111oneeleveneleveneleven"

Voldemort sat on his armchair, gleefully watching the pathetic creature.

"Fuk U i am de most buttful gurl evah nd how u dare do sth so bad 2 me u Prep im a Goff und u haffe 2 b in luv wit me!1111111oneeleveneleven"

"Let me get this straight, Ebony," said the Dark Lord as he lifted the spells. "Last time I met you, I specified what you were to do. After nearly two chapters, I still don't have the Book. I do not like to wait, especially for foul Mary Sues to make up their mind."

(Note: Voldemort has too much faith in humanity. An average Mary Sue does not possess a useable mind.)

* * *

**AN: **

I guess I've accidentally made Voldie more in-character than I intended to...

**Chapter 4/7 upload date: 12 IV 2014**

**Next chapter: 19 IV 2014**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	5. Wand is the Wizard's weapon

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part V: Wand is the Wizard's weapon _ **

"DETENTION, RAVENWAY AND MALFOY! LEAVE THE CLASSROOM NOW!"

Minerva was screaming on the top of her lungs. It's not unheard of a student refusing to follow the professor's hints and performing a transfiguration on their own; however, it is unacceptable for a student to transfigure anything into a fellow student and attempt to have an intercourse in the middle of the classroom.

Britney the Prep had fainted.

* * *

Willow was expelled from Hogwarts the day she spelled _Math_ instead of _Ar__i__thma__n__cy_.

* * *

Time has come for another concert in Hogsmeade. Or perhaps not a concert this time, since that would be quite boring... right? So, let's say, a Mead Festival. Because why not?

Ebony was creeping against a wall, carefully watching every move of Harry Potter in order to jump at him from behind and do something evil.

Then suddenly... (tension)...

"It's You-Know-Who!" shouted somebody and that line alone could start panic; but it did not. What did, was the sudden Apparition of twenty people in masks and black, Posery robes.

Voldemort and Co., who else could that be?

And in the next moment... (a lot of tension)

In a flash of fire, Dumbledore Side-along Apparated with Fawkes.

"Oh, not this... Not _now_," groaned the Canon characters.

Albus' hair and beard were pitch black, his clothes were what do Muggles normally wear to death-metal concerts, and his spelling was...

"Go 2 hell, u foken Posers!" he shouted, holding a dead black hare.

"The Headmaster's finally gone mad!" said Harry in disbelief.

Oh, how wrong he was... We all know Albus had gone mad _years ago_.

* * *

_evening, the Great Hall _

At least once in their lives, everyone has to go through the phase of being Goffik.

Too bad it hit Dumbledore now.

"_Aula ater!_" he said, pointing his wand at the ceiling.

The sky illusion dissolved, uncovering the arch. A small, black spot appeared on it, rapidly spreading on the walls and floor. In no time, the whole Great Hall was wrapped in Black'ness.

* * *

_Slytherin dungeons _

"You Poser, how could you accuse me of Something!" Ebony growled like a Whorewolf.

Committing Something was a hideous crime.

"Ebony, wait! It's not how it looks like!" shouted poor, depressed, emo Draco.

Ebony slammed the bathroom door shut and started to whip and whoop, and possibly even weep.

* * *

_Headmaster's study _

"That was a nice performance, wasn't it?" Dumbledore whispered to his pet. "Some IQ decrease and I would be a great Goff."

Fawkes crooned softly.

* * *

_an hour later, __Slytherin dungeons_

"Noo! Ebony RavenWay must let Dobby go!" cried the Elf.

"Don't be afraid, I just want you to watch this video to the end."

"Dobby likes not porno movies!"

_Crack!_

Thank Merlin, House Elves can Apparate within the Hogwarts grounds.

* * *

_Headmaster's study _

After realizing the range of the mess he was going to fix, Dumbledore called some people (the Order members) and did some stuff (slammed his head against his desk).

* * *

_...__meanwhile..._

"Fuk off!" shouted the Writher. "If Ur a homophone den FUK OF!11oneeleveneleven"

I still cannot figure out what a homophone is. A humanoid phone? A phone used by homosexuals? A 'homophobe' in Tara's English?

This will remain a mystery forever...

Because it is too hard to believe Tara would know about words with the same pronunciation but different meaning.

* * *

_...__back to Hogwarts..._

"PUT THE CONDOMS DOWN AND SURRENDER!"

* * *

Snape and Lupin were chasing her.

* * *

All of sudden, Ebony came to an abrupt halt. The men eyed her warily; was she preparing to duel them? Show them her middle finger? Shoot a porno with them?

She drew her wand.

Snape lowered his one to get a good aim.

Remus growled.

Ebony threw her wand at them.

Snape grasped it. "Get Black and any available members of the Order," he said to Lupin.

"U PREP!" shrieked Ebony.

* * *

_morning, the Entrance Hall_

The visits from the Ministry officials were in general short and pointless. This one, however, was most likely the shortest and the most pointless one in centuries.

Cornelius Fudge, accompanied by Percy Weasley and Dolores Umbridge, approached Dumbledore and handed him a very formally looking piece of parchment.

"Albus Dumbledore, you are now officially removed from the position of the Principal of Hogwarts!" said the Minister.

"I'm fine with it," replied Dumbledore cheerfully with a twinkle in the eyes. "You see, I am not, and have never been, the Principal of Hogwarts. It is because I am the _Headmaster_ of Hogwarts."

* * *

_meanwhile, the Great Hall _

Ebony was somewhat surprised to see Potter, Granger and two youngest Weasleys standing over her bowl of Count Chocula.

"Why the fuck are you all here?"

"RavenWay, I don't want to use that expression, but it's the only way you could understand anything. Something is really messed up." said Ginny.

"By saying _something_ she means the Canon," explained her brother.

Britney the Prep burst into uncontrollable laughter. She was very stupid even for a Prep.

* * *

_a moment later__, the Great Hall _

"I have just discovered that there is someone destined to restore the order and get rid of the Mary Sue in this fic," announced Dumbledore. "This person is Harry Potter!"

"Why is it always me...?" moaned Harry from his place at the Gryffindor table.

* * *

_several hours later _

{story goes wild}

The floor in the Entrance Hall was covered with pools of fresh blood. Dumbledore and Fudge were sawing Ebony.

"Mister RavenWay, what the beep are you doing?!" shrieked Umbridge as she noticed Ebony has changed her gender.

{/story goes wild}

* * *

_an empty classroom _

Harry and Draco drew their wands.

_"Spell 01!"_

_"Impedimento!"_

_"Spell 02!"_

_"Stupefy!"_

_"Very Goffik Spell!"_

_"Locomotor mortis!"_

_"Whatever!"_

_"Expelliarmus!"_

"You filthy half-blood!" shouted Malfoy. "I want to shit next to her!"

Harry looked at him in disbelief and walked away, shaking his head.

* * *

_ Muggle Art class _

"Kawai! Konichiwa!" professor Trevolry said to the students. "Diz will be all for 2day. U Goffs are dismissed, Preps have to do the exorcism one, page three."

* * *

**Chapter 5/7 upload date: 19 IV 2014**

**Next chapter: 3 V 2014**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	6. When Worst comes to Worst

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part VI: When Worst comes to Worst _ **

E. D. D. T. RW. was so exhibited at the thought of destroying the Canon...

She HAD SEX with Draco. Why am I not surprised...?

"_OMFG!_" screamed Ebony in French, having an organism. Suddenly, she fell asleep.

* * *

_morning, the Great Hall _

Before the breakfast started, the Headmaster had risen from his seat.

"Dark times are near, and we must do everything to prevent the catastrophe," said Dumbledore to the students. "Therefore, whoever spots Ebony RavenWay is obliged to report it to their Head of House, or any member of the Hogwarts staff."

* * *

..._meanwhile..._

"Ooh look Tara!" shouted the Betcha Rider.

The Writher turned to see her Goffik friend having fun with a kiwi fruit.

...

Seriously...? A kiwi fruit?

* * *

_...__back to Hogwarts..._

She was HAVING SEX with Draco, trying to film it with a bag of caramels.

When she was wondering where to put the tape, she heard the door opening.

"CUM NOW!" shouted professor McGonagall. "I mean... _COME_ NOW!"

...Has she read _Fifty Shades of Lame_?

* * *

And then, took place what would be an epic battle, if only anyone bothered to describe it properly.

DM: _"__Confringo!__" _(on Snape)

MM: _"__Melofors!__" _(on Ebony, dodged)

SS: "_Petrificus Totalus!_" (on Malfoy, dodged)

DM: _"Ignis infernus!"_

ERW: _"__Crucio!__"_ (on Snape)

MM: _"Sectumsempra!"_ (on Ebony)

ERW:_ "Reducto!" _(on Minnie, blocked)

SS: _"Avada kedavra!"_ (on Malfoy)

and so on...

"U r a Death Deeler!111" Ebony screamed as she saw the Dark Mark on Snape's you-know-what. Precisely speaking, on his left forearm.

...what? It's not my fault the Writher was such a pervert.

Minerva facepalmed. And where to hide the body of Malfoy the Goff...?

* * *

_shortly afterwards, Headmaster's study _

"We have to put an end to this mayhem!" shouted professor McGonagall. "If JKR saw Hogwarts now, she would die laughing!"

"Ebony is going to go back in time and make Tom Riddle fall in love with her," stated Dumbledore.

"Who cares?" wondered Minerva. "I hope he'll save us the trouble and get rid of her."

"Snape, get some Veritaserum," asked Sirius. "In case we catch her."

"I've got a better idea," said the Potions Master. "Just wait till the next chapter."

* * *

{story goes wild}

Two wizards went past Trevolry lying on the floor. The smell of sherry was unbearable.

_Knock._

Ebony opened the door of the Muggle Art classroom, where the students were taught how to make deviations and post them on DeviantART.

"Miss RavenWay, you are arrested under the charges of destroying the Canon, attempting to rape a character from the story, murdering English language and doing whatever else you could do," said Kingsley to her.

"Normally, you would receive a trial, but our friends from OotP asked us to speed the procedures up," added Moody.

* * *

Azkaban wasn't the most welcoming place in the world. The monster in black cloak flew towards little, scared, emo Mary Sue. As it uncovered its head, an unfamiliar sound echoed in the cell.

The Dementor clutched its stomach and loudly vomited on Ebony.

{/story goes wild}

* * *

Sexily, she jumped into the Timesieve.

(Note: I guess it is something between a Pensieve and a Time Turner... Personally, I recommend using the TARDIS.)

The world blurred, she felt as if being sucked into another reality...

_Bang._

* * *

{time warp}

What she heard first was an angry hiss of a snake. That is, a snake at least fifteen meters long, with dark green scales and glowing yellow eyes. I don't have to underline the fact she found herself in the Chamber of Secrets...

_"Crucio!"_

...in front of the future Dark Lord.

"What are you doing here, Mudblood?" asked the sexiest wizard she had ever seen.

"I need to find Tom Satan Bombodil."

Tom groaned.

"_Bombodil_... Salazar, save me..."

{/time warp}

* * *

**Chapter 6/7 upload date: 3 V 2014**

**Next chapter: tomorrow**

**Review, if you liked the story!**


	7. Phoenix' song

**Disclaimer:** Same as in the first chapter.

_**R**__**ed Furry Demon states that she knows the English language well enough to spell better than a bewildered troll.**_

_**Thereby, all spelling errors in this fanfiction were made purposefully and serve as a tribute to Tara G-something's unique style of writing.**_

* * *

** _Part VII: Phoenix__'__ song _ **

{nighttime - from now on}

_Creak._

The door to the Headmaster's study stood wide open.

"I've got you this time," she hissed like a very bad imitation of an undead bloodsucking monster.

Ebony grabbed a huge tome from the desk. It didn't resist.

* * *

"What exactly was that mixture for?"

"It's called the Amnesia Potion," explained Severus. "However, no one has ever had a chance to observe its effects. I invented it during my fifth year at Hogwarts."

"Why did you call it _Amnesia_ then?" asked McGonagall.

"No idea, it just sounded really good at that time."

* * *

Ebony placed the book on a desk and opened it, curious about what so important could be written there.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1111onehundredeleven"

The pages were blank.

* * *

Dumbledore descended the stairs, lightening his way with the Elder Wand.

"Clear," he said.

Members of the Order followed him into the study.

"Albus," gasped Minerva. _"The Canon has __disappeared__!"_

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. He tapped his desk with his wand.

_"I solemnly swear I will fight Mary Sues till the last of them lies dead in front of the Canon."_

One of the drawers pulled open. He took out the Book.

"You really thought I would let her touch it?" stares of disbelief were all the reply he got. He gently put it back and locked the drawer with a spell.

"Now, in the name of the Phoenix," he shouted. "To battle!"

* * *

_eight__minutes__of stair descending __later_

_"Wwoekfkhprkfknpwl!"_

"THERE SHE IS!" McGonagall pointed in the direction of the Great Hall.

_"Avada kedavr__a__!"_ roared Ebony. However, since instead of aiming properly she was admiring her Goffik manicure, the spell flew far too high to hit anyone. _"Goffik spell 01! Goffik spell 02! Rgooppwjojij4ee34t1w4ej!"_

Sparkly jets being shot in every direction aren't a big problem. Sparkly jets being shot in every direction when one has no idea what do they cause and how to counter them are an _enormous_ problem.

_"__Diffindo!__"_

_"__Stupefy!__"_

_"__Bombarda!__"_

_Spark - spark - spark_

"That's the Wall of Brainlessness!" exclaimed Sirius. "Blocks all offensive spells coming from the outside!"

_"eiorhgRErth! lkerkeWGg4y5u6! i5jh35hjo4o!"_

"KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!" shouted the Potions Master, throwing at her a vial of his Potion like a Molotov cocktail. With flames.

_Ka-boom!_

Magical explosion breached the invisible hedge.

Minerva swished her wand and _Encyclopedia Britannica_ soared through the air.

_Whack._

Ebony staggered on her fifteen-centimeters-high heels, though her mysterious Mary Sue powers prevented her from falling down.

_If this doesn't help we're lost,_ Harry thought. He pointed his holly wand at Ebony's head.

_"Lexicon immensus!"_

_Bang._

Under the giant dictionary, the Mary Sue collapsed to the floor.

* * *

As Fawkes opened his beak, an alleviating tone came to the ears of the gathered. The air filled with magic far more powerful than any of the spells cast by the Founders. It seemed to radiate from the Headmaster's quarters, from the very heart of Hogwarts. For a second, they felt as if the old Plot was back.

Canon took possession of the Wizarding World again.

_**THE END**_

* * *

**AN: This was my first fic longer than two thousand words :) Perhaps I will once again bring up the subject of Mary Sues in some time. Right now, I am working on several projects; next chapters of Hogwarts Tales, a set of crazy oneshots and a very, very strange Dark(crack)fic. If you liked the sarcasm and sheer chaos here, you may be interested in checking out HT and the rest... When I manage to finish them :)**

**Thanks to everyone who faved, followed or reviewed!**


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